I have had some experiences of spirit that have shown me that not only are we supported in our losses, but we are also prepared ahead of time. This preparation comes to us on a level above our consciousness. We are either "informed" about a coming event, or we "remember" on a higher, more spiritual level that something is going to happen; something we have "seen" before.

The night before I found my son Jimmy had died, I had a rather unusual experience. It didn't seem particularly unusual at the moment, because I didn't yet have the perspective I would have after Jimmy died, and in light of all that was coming. I was in bed thinking about my grandmother (My Dad's Mother) Hannah. I remembered something I hadn't seen or thought about in years; a family history that my Aunt had written and compiled that I had had in a file cabinet. I got out of bed and went to find it. I don't remember if I read the whole thing, but I do remember reading about Hannah's young life. The thing that stuck out to me was that she had lost an older brother and a younger sister within about a year of each other. She also lost a baby shortly after birth. I was struck by the losses she had suffered and felt not only sympathy for her, but at that moment, felt that she was very near.

I had other preparatory type experiences which I may talk about later. I am still awestruck by, not only the number of singular, spiritual experiences I have had, but by the beauty and personal nature of them. We are known, loved, supported, protected, and prepared by an invisible legion who know what we are going through, and what we will go through before our lives are over.

I just added a picture of my cute husband Jim holding our darling Granddaughter, Abbey. This is the picture we chose for his head stone. He was the cutest guy. He loved his family first, above all else. It will be four years since he died, and I still can't believe he's gone. He was the light, life and heart of our family.

Me again. I don't know that many people will ever read this, but it's therapy for me to write it down.....so here goes.

I had another experience with a butterfly before my son died in 1996. It was just a day or two before he died. I came home from lunch and shopping with my Mom and Brianna. My daughter Bri was just three at the time, and in her car seat in the back seat. As I opened the sliding door on my van to get her out, I noticed a very large yellow and black butterfly lying on it's side on the garage floor. It was alive, and as I picked it up to show Brianna, it perched on my finger. I showed it to Brianna while I was unbuckling her carseat with my other hand. I helped her down out of the car, and said: "Lets take it outside and see if it can still fly. It had a large half moon shaped "bite mark" hole in one wing, so I was not at all sure it could fly. We walked around to the side yard by the garage, and I swung up my hand. The butterfly soared upward and away from us, flying as well as any I had seen. It landed far above in a cottonwood tree. We then went into the house, and forgot about the butterfly. I didn't think of it until sometime after Jimmy had died. I realized that it had been a sign to us. It amazed me that even with such an injury to it's wing, the butterfly could still soar. I think that is true of all of us...life is full of pain and injury, none of us come through it unscathed...yet we can all still soar.

I found out after my experiences with the white butterfly that butterflies are a very real symbol of rebirth. The butterfly doesn't die to be reborn....it is transformed. I think the life cycle of the caterpillar/butterfly is a perfect metaphor for early life and death. The lowly, earthbound caterpillar is transformed into a butterfly, a creature that has grown beautiful wings, and transcends it's earlier incarnation. I believe that is what it is like to die, our energy and personality never dies, we are transformed, and transcend the limits of the physical plane. Quantum Physics tells us that energy is never lost, diminished or destroyed; it just changes form. I have felt the energy and presence of my deceased loved ones on many occasions. They live. Sometimes it is almost enough to know that....other times the physical absence of them pushes me to the edge of endurance. I do try to remember this when life gets hard; there is sooooo much more to life than meets the eye!

Three weeks or so, after my son died, I was cooking breakfast on a Sunday morning for the first time since the Sunday before he died. I stopped for a moment to look at a cute picture of him that I'd put on the fridge door. I felt such a hole in my center, as if a real hole had been blasted through me. I thought: "My family is broken, it's no longer whole." At that moment I felt my son's presence, and I realized that he was standing by the fridge, just to the left of me. At that instant, I felt the hole in me fill up with warmth and peace. In that timeless moment, I also heard (in my mind's ear) my son saying: "Mom, I'm not far away, I'm just out of sight."

I know he spoke the truth, he was very near; but in a form that I couldn't perceive with my earth-eyes. My family IS whole.

I know that this all sounds a little strange, and I'm sure there are those of you (some of my friends and family) who, if you ever come to read this, will think: "Poor Shelley, she's finally gone "round the bend". Well, you may be right, but I don't think so!

I am creating a blog for those who have lost loved ones. It is for those who need or want to talk about their experiences and loved ones. It is also a place where you may share experiences of spirit; the kinds of wondrous and unexplainable things that happen when a deceased loved one finds a way to get through.

I lost my wonderful 18 year old son James to an aneurism in 1996, then lost my darling husband of 31 years in 2006 to stomach cancer. I am not a religious person, but I am very spiritual. I was amazed at the incredible amount of invisible (spiritual) support I felt after the losses of my loved ones. I had some extraordinary experiences of spirit after both of my family members died, and realized that they were both very close, and that they were finding very creative and personal ways to get through to me and other family members. I found that when I tried to discuss these "messages" with others, I ran into a wall of polite skepticism and disbelief.

These experiences are as real to me as the computer I'm typing on, yet I found that I had to keep them to myself for the most part. People are not only uncomfortable talking about someone who has died, but they don't have a belief system, context or language for discussing experiences of spirit: especially when those experiences are outside of a religious setting or religious belief system. Sometimes these experiences fall outside of the framework of what is considered possible or probable based on what we've been taught.

I believe it is essential to healing that we are able to talk about our experiences with loss, and the people who are "missing" in our physical lives. I hope this blog will be a safe place for these kinds of discussions.

Shelley